The only reason any of you use the internet (And internet commandments)

Well, I normally only post blog entries during the last week of the month. No idea why one week of the month, my greatest desire would be to chew people out, bite their heads off and spit down their throat.

However, I came up to a little epiphany.

Why people use the Internet? Drama!

People talk about how much they hate Drama. Oh my god, there is so much drama here. Please, stop this.

In the past, I would have been more inclined to agree that less drama would be better.

However, it just kind of made sense that the only reason anybody uses the internet is because of how often we get that Special Olympics playing along. Whether you enjoy watching some of these events, or are a very big fan of taking part in these Special Internet Games, everybody loves drama on the Internet.

First lets go over the other "reasons" people give to justify this. Some of which I kind of thought might have been true before his most noodly appendage reached out from an alley and touched various parts of me. In other news, I need a new school uniform.

Myth: People Use The Internet for Research

This reason would work just fine... if not for the most abhorrent sin possible being present all over the internet.

1. Thou Shalt Not Be WRONG!

The internet allows us a rather wonderful medium to fix the idea that somebody out there may be wrong. This causes various methods to be put into place to try to fix their wrongness and make them stop being so damned wrong.

I mean, do you know how many billions of people every day, on the Internet, go around being wrong? It is a good thing that I have this blog, in place to slowly fix this horrid horrid crime. As we all know, ranting and raving on some blog is the best way to fix wrong people. Hell, I mean, the majority of my blog's followers are not even family members--so I must have a very good reach here (never mind that this is only because my family does not really bother or care to read my blog. As well, I seem to violate this, first commandment of the internet, as far as my family is concerned).

I mean, it is good that we have this great medium of information out there, and a large group of people to tell others just why and how everybody, but them, is completely wrong.

Myth: People use the Internet to talk to Friends and Family

Right--how many people actually enjoy talking to their family members? I mean, yes, you do get some members that are okay, and very nice to talk to.

However, most of your family is just people who are there, and generally annoy the crap out of you. Either you have a really psychotic mother (which, I am finding is surprisingly common). I mean, all women are crazy, and my Mom use to tell me growing up, "insanity is hereditary, you get it from your kids."

2. Go forth and be psychos. For Psychotic people are the bread and butter of the internet

Think about this for a bit? Who are the people bringing about all the great technologies on the internets. Who is it that brings all the large amounts of social change. I will tell you who:

Crazy Fuckers.

Between much of how the World Wide Web was worked on in the late 1990s being done by the Heaven's Gate Cult. To the point that some suspect that one of the main causes of the Dot Com Bomb, was their little Nike Blanket Party, that they went to, to exchange Apple Sauce recipes. As most of their members were very influential workers of the Internet at the time.

Then we have The Goons, Anonymous and the Japanese bringing forth a large amount of technologies and social structures, concepts and pretty much everything we know about on the internets. Personally, of those, I would put the The Goons at the most sane, Anonymous at second place for sanity, and the Japanese as last place, no matter who is entered into this contest for sanity.

But then, I very public suspect that Japan consists entirely of C'thulhu Cultists.

Myth: People use the internet to talk to people of similar interests

Well, yes--and this is probably the biggest cause of drama out there.

I mean, I see myself, as a fan of anthropomorphic artwork, and very spiritually in tune with certain animals.

Which, thanks to internet drama lets me know, that my greatest desire is to have sex in teddy bear suits.

It really does not help that most interest groups are completely and totally wrong. In violation of the first commandment of the internet (not to be confused with the Rules of the Internet).

I mean, as we all know, I am a fan of the Vim text editor. Which of course, is the correct text editor to be interested in.

You get some asshats who try to say EMACS is much better. They are completely and totally delusional. As I can tell you exactly why Vi and Vim is the ultimate editor for all to use:

1. Personal Preference
2. Familiarity
3. It is a standard

See, this is exactly why, anybody who says they like EMACS are fucking nuts. I mean, how can they not understand that Vim is so much better than EMACS will ever be, for those above three reasons.

I will note, that my choice of operation system, or distribution of operation system, is best, for those above reasons. Anybody who suggests another one is one of the most laughably insane people out there.

And even then for interest groups, it is not because it is fun--it is because it is work.

3. Stop Having Fun!

I mean, how can you enjoy playing Super Smash Bros., if you have no clue what Wave Dashing is? I mean, that is the reason Brawl is the worst game on the planet. They removed Wave Dashing.

Then we move into Pokemon, which you cannot possible play the game, unless you know about natures, IVs and EVs. I mean, playing the game is useless without such knowledge.

This is exactly why Final Fantasy XIII is the penultimate game out there. You have to slog through twenty hours of completely dull and trite crap, just so that when you do get somewhere interesting, you have done all the work in being exactly like how you want to be, before you are allowed to have fun.

These are games here people! Ones that you need to play exactly one fucking way, of GTFO. See Internet Commantment 1.

It is rather common, for any interest group, to ban anything that is fun to do. I mean, look at Christianity, and their one simplified commandment: "if you enjoy doing it, it is a sin."

And like Christianity:

4. Thou shalt not improvise. For improvisation shows no knowledge of the subject matter, like that of drolling out rote memorised speeches.

This is a mix of commandments number 3 and 2.

I mean, you improvised a bit based on Monty Python? You did not match the lines and words completely and totally perfect?!

YOU CAD!

You coloured outside the fucking lines on some standardised rule set, that helps make a game better by removing the fun?

GTFO YOU MONSTER COW!

Clearly you have forgotten the whole point of the internet. You have turned away from your god, and these commandments. You shall be case out into the fiery inferno where disco will be played for all eternity.

Speaking of Disco Infernos.

5. Thous Shalt make porn of it.

However, this commandment cannot break any of the other four commandments. Especially number four. I mean, if your pornography is not something that matches all the other porno up completely and exactly, with perhaps even the horrid idea of some originality to it, this also ends up breaking commandments 1, 2, and 3--as well as the obvious breaking of number 4.

I mean, the idea that you like something that is not the same plastic mold over and over again, is completely abhorrent and wrong. How can you live with yourself?

The idea that everybody enjoys the same thing, also very nicely falls under number 2.

Enjoying pornography? Are you kidding? Nobody enjoys pornography. It is the most abhorrent item to ever look at. Just ask any clergy man. He will set you straight. Then, he will go to the Choir Boy's special vocal chord therapy, where he applies a very holy cream to their vocal cords, that give them the voice of angels. A completely valid practice in helping people sing. Just look at pretty much every pop star out there today. Proof that giving lots and lots of head is the best thing you can do for your singing career.

Summary of the Internet Commandments to follow with zealous religious passion:

1. Thou shalt not be wrong
2. Go forth and be psychotic. For the crazy people are the bread and butter of the internet
3. Thou shall stop having fun!
4. Thou shalt not improvise. For improvisation shows no knowledge of the subject matter, like that of drolling out rote memorised speeches.
5. Thou shall make porn of it

Now then, the Internet shall be a good and holy place, for all of mankind to thrive, live, breath and sleep. While womankind is in their kitchens, fetching them beer and sandwiches.

Why Nintendo Kicked Square Out of their Good Graces: The Alternative Truth

As we are all aware, when Nintendo released the Nintendo 64, relations with Square kind of took a nose dive. It should also be known that the last decent Final Fantasy game was for a Nintendo system. Final Fantasy seemed to keep getting more crap like with each installment from number seven on. Now, was it so much that Square left Nintendo in disgust of their cartridge system? Or perhaps Square felt Nintendo was being too limiting on the games they could make.

As we all know, Nintendo at least tries to make their games resemble a quality game for the whole family. At least... out side of Japan anyways.

It was during discussions of what Final Fantasy 7 would entail that Nintendo and Square had their big dispute. Generally listed that Square wanted to "do more on a game than the system would allow."

Now, let us suppose that the System here is not the N64 cartridge limitations--which were not nearly as severe as people make them out to be. Consider what all was done with LoZ: OoT and LoZ: MM. We STILL have people tearing though the code for those games and finding new stuff. Including a few things that were just thrown in as junk. Like the reports of code for Arwings and a Pirate Ship in OoT. OoT was in development for some time--and it was fairly impressive how they set it up.

Likely Square was talking to Nintendo about Cloud and some of the other characters in Final Fantasy 7. You know Cloud, Mr. "I cut myself, because I only know I am still alive if I hurt."

The writers likely presented Cloud and a few other characters--and the concept of Aeris dying to Nintendo, and I really doubt they would have any of it. I mean, if they had stayed, there would have been a quest to revive Aeris. And Cloud would have been a lot more chipper and happy in the game. Perhaps generally enjoying life--for just as little reason as Cloud currently is a--to put it simply: an Emo bastard.

I mean, yes, he did seem to have developed and got better by the end of Final Fantasy 7, only to have had the writer's decide that merely was a high point in his otherwise overly chemically depressed life.

Now then, compare this to other Nintendo Characters:

Mario is a large over weight plumber. Generally looks about as ugly as something that gets his face smacked in with a shovel every third day. He has a happy simple life. Gets hit on by trannies (like Birdo or Vivian)--and has a few Princesses shove him around, generally being various teases. Including Peach who instead went to "her" (see last blog entry) kidnapper for a relief.

Then to Link. If anybody has any right to be emo, it is Link. Link generally starts off every game with his parents killed off in some fashion, and an evil entity out to kill all his friends and people he cares about. Followed by this evil entity poisoning the land he grew up in. Then he usually has to grab three tokens followed by seven tokens to even see him. Yes, he does get some decent weapons--but he generally starts off his every incarnation getting the short end of the rope.

Never mind the four Legend of Zelda CDi games that he has to him. Samus Aran, Mario and Fox McCloud do not even have this to them. Oh--right... you only know about the first three. The fourth LoZ CDi game, known as The Death Disk colloquially, is said to be a component in the Necronomicon for the summoning of the final days, where the elder things from worlds outside our comprehension shall rise from the depths, and feast on us all. The Death Disk is currently being guarded in secret. The lucky ones are the first to be eaten, should any body find the Death Disk.

Kidding about fictional games aside--if anybody has any right of Nintendo mascots to be an emo kid, it would be one of Link's many incarnations. Though, I doubt any Emo kid would be known for the lines associated with Link from the old cartoon, such as: "weeeeeeeeell, excuuuuuuuse me princess."

I mean, and then Link also has Navi for a reoccurring character. If I had Navi even appear in my life, I would probably start talking about how I want to kill myself and being all depressed. I mean, seriously--living with Navi is probably a lot better reason to do emo blogs on livejournal than anything else I can think of.

And yet--nobody can possibly think of Link and Emo--until now. Eris damnit! I just invoked Rule 34 on Emo Link--probably mixed in with Shadow Link. If you desire to kill me, this would be another very good reason to do so. I am personally surprised with the sheer lack of lynch mobs in my life. I am going to need to change this.

Next, we move onto Fox McCloud. His father was shot down by his father's wingman. His father exists only in a state of his own mind, where every now and then, Fox will hallucinate his father coming to help him. Or sometimes this element in his mind will be used against him, by entities with telepathic powers, such as the Aparoids.

Now, Fox has not had much for games. His first game was on the SNES, which he seemed fairly calm and confident. Able to choose his path. The second game, Star Fox 2, was never released. It looked like it may have been a fairly decent and well done game.

Then Star Fox 64 was a remake, of sorts, of Star Fox. With some differences to the comic made of Star Fox. The Star Fox comic had Fox McCloud going on all three routes to try to get to Andross generally getting a lot of collateral damage done on his home, the Lylat System. Even then, in Star Fox 64 there are a lot of remnants of a really fierce war. Fox pretty much grew up in a war torn home.

I mean--this kind of puts Fox McCloud on a similar level to child soldiers in Africa.

Next game, he meets the love of his life, Krystal. Then has to deal with a Borg-like enemy consuming the Lylat system with technology that was hard to really face. There was a lot more that could have been lost in that war.

Then we move onto his involvement in Star Fox: Command Missions. Generally having a lot of character development elements show up in the game. Even at one point, with Krystal going off to join Star Wolf--his arch nemesis.

And yet, Fox does not seem Emo. If anything, he seems to be a little bit gruffer around the edges after this. Rather than blog about it on the Lylat Equivalent to live journal, he is more likely to kick somebody's ass in a bar fight. Orrr... go on a hot steamy date with Falco. I am personally waiting for this to show up as canon myself. As it is, there is no sign of any form of torrid love affair between Falco and Fox out side of slash fiction.

It really does not help, that Star Fox games generally tend to be few and far between. I personally love the series.

Next we move onto Samus Aran. Samus Aran has no idea who her parents were. They were killed long ago by a space pirate raid. She was left alive to be raised by the Chozo. Which she then went on to get her revenge mission, and become a well known bounty hunter.

While she may lament about fallen allies in Fusion--I must admit, I never really saw her as Emo. More just likely to kick your ass for looking at her the wrong way. But then, this was never a series I particularly enjoyed. I enjoyed Metroid on the NES--it has been a while since I played Metroid 2. Super Metroid I generally consider very over rated, and really, not worth my time. Metroid Fusion I got stuck in--there was a puzzle that refused to be solved. This puzzle is never able to be solved any time I head there either in the game. Metroid Prime, I am staying away from until I can find a copy of Metroid Prime Trilogy. Though--even then, I have never really been that interested in FPS, after all the really bad FPS I have seen over the years.

Then we have Metroid: Other M, and Metroid: Zero Mission, that I may check out--but well, I just cannot get into the Metroid series. I also really do not get why people are such huge fans of it. I just do not see the connection people have with it.

But then, I also consider Legend of Zelda: Link to the Past one of the biggest scrap heaps I have ever had the misfortune to play. Generally looking like an NES game, with only minor increases in functionality for the SNES. The graphics look horrible, even by other SNES games of a similar release date. I mean, compare the graphics in Sword of Mana (originally a SNES game) and Secret of Mana to LoZ:LttP. This is without going into what we found the system to really be capable of, when they released Yoshi's Island and Kirby's Dreamland 3. Kirby's Dreamland 3 generally having better graphics and much nicer look to it than Kirby 64: the Crystal Shards.

Also, around the same time as the release of the N64, Pokemon would have been gearing up. Creating Nintendo's mouse mascot we all know: Pikachu. The idea of Pokemon is the world is filled with monsters that generally could destroy you by breathing on you. There are many Pokedex entries about Pokemon who can destroy entires cities and militia forces in their general goals. You play as an 10/11 year old kid, who runs around, and shoves these monsters in tiny little capsules. I mean, I just want to see them try an Emo protagonist with this game. I honestly do not want to know it is possible though. I mean, even Wes, who was 17 did not seem Emo. Well, not to me anyways.

-=-

So--I dunno it just seems that very Square was going with the Final Fantasy series. Particularly FF7, FF8, FFX and FFX-2, may not have been a direction that Nintendo would have been happy with. If they did stay with Nintendo, the series likely would have ended up being way different than how we know it. Even without technology constraints measured in.