Fvcking Birthdays >.>'

Bloody hell--I am off with a friend who keeps insisting on window shopping with him for his birthday. Not something I really want to do. As I see the situation as, "I am not likely to be able to afford most of this he is wanting. Neither can his girlfriend... and definitely not him"

Me, and his girlfriend are the only one with an income. He manages to drag us out--and into a few stores. Picking up every such thing on the shelves... and asking the people at the till if they have a copy of the games he wants.

Okay--clearly he is very excited. He turns 26 at the end of July.

Meanwhile, I am just groaning. He is acting like he has all sorts of stuff coming his bloody way. Where the hell is this coming from?

He keeps talking about all this stuff that is coming in. I am just smiling and nodding. Because if I tell him, not to count on this stuff, he is going to get all defensive about how these are sure things. Even though, after nearly every bloody one of them, he says, "maybe he can get me this--perhaps that. I can pull some strings."

Okay--you know what? How the hell does he even think he can even get a decent birthday?

Then--it hit me. The last decent party, that I had people show up and I had fun, that I have ever had, was when I was eight years old.

Every time after that--nobody really ever showed up. Mind you, my birthday IS on Labour Day weekend. Or all that I could get managed was just some crapping sit in at a restaurant I could go to anyways.

For a little while, I tried bolstering interest, by talking about it a few months prior.

I have just kind of came to terms, that my birthday is just another fvcking day. I mean,there have been times that I have been reminding my mom for a month prior--then she comes up when it is nearly Octobre, telling me that she forgot.

I have had to share my birthday a few times with my brother who was born on the twentieth... over four years and two weeks after mine.

Then--every now and again, I will get my mom bothering me about what I want... on something that has became pretty much just another day. Why the hell would I expect to get something special on a Sunday? Why the hell is my birthday any different?

But no, and then she does the sad but irritated act like, "people do not know what to get you."

I have kind of just stopped saying anything  about this day--because you know what? It is obvious nobody cares. Pretty much every birthday party since I was eight has been the most sorriest flop of an excuse I have ever seen.

Which okay--maybe everybody else's birthday's suck? Or at least that is how I understand it.

Seeing as how I am never really ever invited to them.

I mean, I do have a few friends... but it is always, "oh, I get you just fine--but none of my other friends would really get it. There would be drama and--"

"--I am just your dirty little secret. You are ashamed to know me."

"No, no--I think you are wonderful it is just my friends would not get you."

When I have pretty much learned that formula completely--and this is not a person I am getting sex from... or really see that interested in having sex--it kind of makes me just put this sort of stuff in the corner of my mind of Schroedinger's cat.

Schroedinger's Fvcking Sweet Kick Ass Party.

It both exists--and does not exist. Trying to see if it does exist changes the situation you are trying to measure.

What is there to get? I am a psychotic bitch. Okay yes--I get that... how do others not get it?

Then we have ass hat here, going on about how he is going to get all of this. Get all of that. I am just standing there, going "really--you really think your birthday is going to be all that and a bag of potato chips."

Then, I realised--it probably is.


You know--I really doubt i am going to be dating anybody soon. So many bloody self esteem issues, self image issues and all that to really work out. Yet, people keep saying, "you need to get laid."

Fvck--not going to happen any time soon--not with a person as damaged as I am. There are better people to hook up with.

Just smile and nod--just smile and nod.

Well, now to post more pictures of myself, in hopes that somebody has the good sense not to bullshit me, and tell me how fugly I am.