The only reason any of you use the internet (And internet commandments)

Well, I normally only post blog entries during the last week of the month. No idea why one week of the month, my greatest desire would be to chew people out, bite their heads off and spit down their throat.

However, I came up to a little epiphany.

Why people use the Internet? Drama!

People talk about how much they hate Drama. Oh my god, there is so much drama here. Please, stop this.

In the past, I would have been more inclined to agree that less drama would be better.

However, it just kind of made sense that the only reason anybody uses the internet is because of how often we get that Special Olympics playing along. Whether you enjoy watching some of these events, or are a very big fan of taking part in these Special Internet Games, everybody loves drama on the Internet.

First lets go over the other "reasons" people give to justify this. Some of which I kind of thought might have been true before his most noodly appendage reached out from an alley and touched various parts of me. In other news, I need a new school uniform.

Myth: People Use The Internet for Research

This reason would work just fine... if not for the most abhorrent sin possible being present all over the internet.

1. Thou Shalt Not Be WRONG!

The internet allows us a rather wonderful medium to fix the idea that somebody out there may be wrong. This causes various methods to be put into place to try to fix their wrongness and make them stop being so damned wrong.

I mean, do you know how many billions of people every day, on the Internet, go around being wrong? It is a good thing that I have this blog, in place to slowly fix this horrid horrid crime. As we all know, ranting and raving on some blog is the best way to fix wrong people. Hell, I mean, the majority of my blog's followers are not even family members--so I must have a very good reach here (never mind that this is only because my family does not really bother or care to read my blog. As well, I seem to violate this, first commandment of the internet, as far as my family is concerned).

I mean, it is good that we have this great medium of information out there, and a large group of people to tell others just why and how everybody, but them, is completely wrong.

Myth: People use the Internet to talk to Friends and Family

Right--how many people actually enjoy talking to their family members? I mean, yes, you do get some members that are okay, and very nice to talk to.

However, most of your family is just people who are there, and generally annoy the crap out of you. Either you have a really psychotic mother (which, I am finding is surprisingly common). I mean, all women are crazy, and my Mom use to tell me growing up, "insanity is hereditary, you get it from your kids."

2. Go forth and be psychos. For Psychotic people are the bread and butter of the internet

Think about this for a bit? Who are the people bringing about all the great technologies on the internets. Who is it that brings all the large amounts of social change. I will tell you who:

Crazy Fuckers.

Between much of how the World Wide Web was worked on in the late 1990s being done by the Heaven's Gate Cult. To the point that some suspect that one of the main causes of the Dot Com Bomb, was their little Nike Blanket Party, that they went to, to exchange Apple Sauce recipes. As most of their members were very influential workers of the Internet at the time.

Then we have The Goons, Anonymous and the Japanese bringing forth a large amount of technologies and social structures, concepts and pretty much everything we know about on the internets. Personally, of those, I would put the The Goons at the most sane, Anonymous at second place for sanity, and the Japanese as last place, no matter who is entered into this contest for sanity.

But then, I very public suspect that Japan consists entirely of C'thulhu Cultists.

Myth: People use the internet to talk to people of similar interests

Well, yes--and this is probably the biggest cause of drama out there.

I mean, I see myself, as a fan of anthropomorphic artwork, and very spiritually in tune with certain animals.

Which, thanks to internet drama lets me know, that my greatest desire is to have sex in teddy bear suits.

It really does not help that most interest groups are completely and totally wrong. In violation of the first commandment of the internet (not to be confused with the Rules of the Internet).

I mean, as we all know, I am a fan of the Vim text editor. Which of course, is the correct text editor to be interested in.

You get some asshats who try to say EMACS is much better. They are completely and totally delusional. As I can tell you exactly why Vi and Vim is the ultimate editor for all to use:

1. Personal Preference
2. Familiarity
3. It is a standard

See, this is exactly why, anybody who says they like EMACS are fucking nuts. I mean, how can they not understand that Vim is so much better than EMACS will ever be, for those above three reasons.

I will note, that my choice of operation system, or distribution of operation system, is best, for those above reasons. Anybody who suggests another one is one of the most laughably insane people out there.

And even then for interest groups, it is not because it is fun--it is because it is work.

3. Stop Having Fun!

I mean, how can you enjoy playing Super Smash Bros., if you have no clue what Wave Dashing is? I mean, that is the reason Brawl is the worst game on the planet. They removed Wave Dashing.

Then we move into Pokemon, which you cannot possible play the game, unless you know about natures, IVs and EVs. I mean, playing the game is useless without such knowledge.

This is exactly why Final Fantasy XIII is the penultimate game out there. You have to slog through twenty hours of completely dull and trite crap, just so that when you do get somewhere interesting, you have done all the work in being exactly like how you want to be, before you are allowed to have fun.

These are games here people! Ones that you need to play exactly one fucking way, of GTFO. See Internet Commantment 1.

It is rather common, for any interest group, to ban anything that is fun to do. I mean, look at Christianity, and their one simplified commandment: "if you enjoy doing it, it is a sin."

And like Christianity:

4. Thou shalt not improvise. For improvisation shows no knowledge of the subject matter, like that of drolling out rote memorised speeches.

This is a mix of commandments number 3 and 2.

I mean, you improvised a bit based on Monty Python? You did not match the lines and words completely and totally perfect?!

YOU CAD!

You coloured outside the fucking lines on some standardised rule set, that helps make a game better by removing the fun?

GTFO YOU MONSTER COW!

Clearly you have forgotten the whole point of the internet. You have turned away from your god, and these commandments. You shall be case out into the fiery inferno where disco will be played for all eternity.

Speaking of Disco Infernos.

5. Thous Shalt make porn of it.

However, this commandment cannot break any of the other four commandments. Especially number four. I mean, if your pornography is not something that matches all the other porno up completely and exactly, with perhaps even the horrid idea of some originality to it, this also ends up breaking commandments 1, 2, and 3--as well as the obvious breaking of number 4.

I mean, the idea that you like something that is not the same plastic mold over and over again, is completely abhorrent and wrong. How can you live with yourself?

The idea that everybody enjoys the same thing, also very nicely falls under number 2.

Enjoying pornography? Are you kidding? Nobody enjoys pornography. It is the most abhorrent item to ever look at. Just ask any clergy man. He will set you straight. Then, he will go to the Choir Boy's special vocal chord therapy, where he applies a very holy cream to their vocal cords, that give them the voice of angels. A completely valid practice in helping people sing. Just look at pretty much every pop star out there today. Proof that giving lots and lots of head is the best thing you can do for your singing career.

Summary of the Internet Commandments to follow with zealous religious passion:

1. Thou shalt not be wrong
2. Go forth and be psychotic. For the crazy people are the bread and butter of the internet
3. Thou shall stop having fun!
4. Thou shalt not improvise. For improvisation shows no knowledge of the subject matter, like that of drolling out rote memorised speeches.
5. Thou shall make porn of it

Now then, the Internet shall be a good and holy place, for all of mankind to thrive, live, breath and sleep. While womankind is in their kitchens, fetching them beer and sandwiches.